Who are you?

You know...that's a very confusing question. If you had asked me that a few years ago, or even a few months ago, I would have readily had an answer for you. Now, I'm just not so sure about it.

I know who I want to be, I know what I want in life, and I know what's important to me. But, I really don't know if I know who I am.

I used to hear people talk about identity crises and think "How can you not know who you are...? You are you, for goodness sake - who else would know who you are?" But, now I know what they felt, and why they spoke of identity crises. Because the more I try to think about things and make them make sense to me, the harder it is and the more confusing I become.

Things that for years I've held important to me, and based myself around, I am realizing for one reason or another, may not be as important as I thought they were. Things that I've held pride in are all of a sudden not so substantial.

The worst part of it all, is I don't know where this is coming from, I don't know how to fix it, and I feel like there is no one to go to to talk about it. Mom wouldn't understand - she'd be disappointed in me that I am questioning things that should be obvious in my life. Things that were at one point very obvious to me. Things I thought would always be obvious. Marita, well...she means well, and I know she loves me, but I really don't think she really cares all that much. Any time I've gone to her about something that's bothering me, she shrugs off the conversation. I've got some others that I'd like to go to, but I am so afraid of rejection. Being rejected hurts so badly - and I've felt it too often.

I feel like I'm standing in a crowded room and screaming, but no one can hear me because they are all engrossed in their own conversations. And, I cannot blame them for having those conversations; they are important to them, and who am I to believe that what I have to say is any more important?

The truth is - I really don't know who truly cares about me. And how do you ask someone if they care about you? It's something that you've got to have faith in. Well...my faith is wavering in more than one area recently, it seems. I feel like I need some one to save me - to show me who I am. But that is ridiculous. It's something I need to find on my own. But that is so hard to do - I find someone who I think will care about me, cling to them, and change who I am based on what they make me think and feel. And it's not always romantically. I hang out with friends, and start realizing the things that make them happy and they have fun doing, I like too. Or is that really it? Is it me just screaming for someone to accept me so badly that I literally change myself to be more like them, so they will like me more? So they will accept me?

I know there are things that I've always liked and that are unique to me that people can't change. Some things I just love so much, I know they are too important for anyone to be able to sway how I feel about them. But other things - that I thought I held dear to me...I just don't anymore. I've become such a different person recently, I really can't say I know who I am inside.

The truth is - I think I really am a person who keeps changing. I don't think I've become who I'm supposed to be yet. And I don't know how to become that person. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know that absolutely no one can change me if I'm not willing to change. The things that I've changed have all made me happy, so it's not a problem that I've molded myself to fit each relationship in it's own way. So, I guess I'm not changing all that much after all. I'm just being introduced to new things, and I'm figuring out what I like, and what I don't.

So, then, what's with all the confusion? What's with all the loneliness?

I'm so afraid of being myself. I'm afraid to say what I want to say and I'm afraid to do what I want to do. It all comes back to rejection. Friends, family, and lovers have all rejected me. What's to stop the next person from doing the same?

I obviously don't know what the future holds. I have about a million daydreams a day of things that I want to happen, and I wish would happen. But that's all they are - dreams and wishes. I know there's a good chance none of them will come true. But, I still keep on dreaming and wishing them. Because there's a tiny chance that they will manifest themselves.

All I know is that I want to be loved, I want to fall in love, I want someone to fall in love with me, and I want a family. And right now, there's nothing in my life that I want more than that. Absolutely nothing. I know that it's waiting out there for me. I know that; I have no doubt in my mind I will find all that. It's just so damn hard to be patient.