No, really - these past two weeks have been pretty awesome. I know I don't say that often. I'm actually surprised that things have been going so well. I thought I'd be real bummed and all with me and Ross not being together anymore, but I've handled that whole thing rather well, if I do say so myself.
Since I haven't updated in a bit, this will be a huge mix of nothing in particular and everything in general. Here goes:
I got myself to the movie theater for the first time in months. Marita, Jes, and I all went to see Sweeney Todd, In the Name of the King, and I am Legend. I was pleased overall. Sweeney Todd blew me away, I loved it. End of story. I am Legend was more than I expected. The previews made it seem like it was just another zombie movie. There's nothing wrong with that, of course - I love my zombie movies. But, the story line was deeper than that. Very well put together. In the Name of the King...well...the acting was bad. Really bad. But, the plot was good. The medieval times of the movie saved it. If it was any other type of movie, though, it wouldn't have been good.
Comedy Central has been my savior this week. Dane Cooke, Lewis Black, and Jeff Dunham. Need I say more? Dane Cook I've loved for years, and Jeff Dunham has been a favorite of mine for quite some time. Lewis Black is my new favorite comedian. He is hilarious, hands down. I'd never seen him before, and I fell in love immidiately within the first ten minutes. I've seen two of his performances, and loved them both. I haven't laughed that hard in quite some time. Yay for the funny Jewish guy! The only down side to watching Comedy Central through the night is the constant Girls Gone Wild commercials. And all those stupid Extenze commercials on MTV are enough to drive you batty. Fricken personal enhancement for that 'certain part of the male body'? Arrghhh! Are you fricken kidding me?
Some new seasons of shows have been quite good, too. Reno 911 was awesome; definitely worth the wait. The Gauntlett III is also back. A few of my favorite characters aren't there this time around, but C.T., Beth, Diem, and Coral are all there. So, I'm sure it'll be jam-packed with fun fights throughout the season. The premier of Moment of Truth got me hooked. I like that show already. I mean, come on - any show that can have it's first contestant almost lose his marriage and job within the first 15 minutes has got to be good!
And let's not forget my birthday. All in all, it was really good. One of the best I've ever had, actually. Thursday mom took me to Red Lobster. Haven't been there in years, and the food was absolutely delicious. The waiter sucked, but I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too. (Which has never made any friggen sense to me. Why would I have cake if I wasn't going to eat it!?) Friday we went to see Tournament of Kings at the Excaliber. I've wanted to see it for years, and it was worth the wait and then some. Next to see on my list are Penn & Teller. Then, to complete my birthday week, I had my bowling "party". I invited 19 people. Zero showed up. But that's okay. Me, mom, Marita, and Jes all had a bit of fun bowling anyways. I bowled the worst I've bowled in years. I think my scores were 53 and 96. That is so pathetic, I had to laugh at myself. We had fun, so it's okay. I also got to chat with Ross for a while when waiting for the lanes to open, so that brightened my night a bit. Of course we had to wait for 2 hours for lanes. When I had called 2 weeks earlier to reserve the lanes, they said that reservations aren't needed. When we got there, a league was going on - we did indeed need reservations. So, I guess, it's a good thing no one showed up, eh?
This whole presidential bull is taking a toll on me. A month ago, I would have said I knew who I was voting for. Not now. I saw a debate, and one candidate that I was rooting for before really didn't do well, and another that wasn't even on my list scored a lot of brownie points. So, I'm more confused than ever before. I guess I'll just not let it stress me, since I've got months to make up my mind. The person I'm rooting for probably won't even make it, so why worry?
The rain this past week has been beautiful. I've been missing a lot of it, since most of it is happening during the night, when I'm either sleeping or working. But, you can smell the freshness of the air when you step outside. I love it. I really wish we had more rain here. Mother nature - keep it coming!
I've recently began loving two foods I never thought I would: sushi and mexican. I'm a wimp when it comes to spices, so authentic mexican food has never been my thing. And sushi has never been tasty to me. Well, Willy & Jose's, a resturaunt in Sam's Town, is one of my new favorites. The food there is amazing, and not too spicy. Not spicy at all, actually. The Chicken Chimichanga was to die for, and they serve chips and salsa before your meal with refried beans on the side that was also really good. Then, Marita turned me onto a nice sushi resturaunt in the shopping plaza where she works. The California rolls there are soooo good. I was really surprised how much I actually liked it. She's introduced me to quite a few new foods that I never thought I'd like. Spam Musubi is another thing she got me into, and I crave it every few weeks.
And last, but not least, I've finally come to terms on an issue that I've been skirting around for years. I'm not going to church anymore. I know that if I ever want to go, it's there for me, but I'm not going to stress myself out anymore and worry about what other people would want me to do. I slept in this morning instead of getting up for church, and it is one of the best sleep-in days I've had in a long time. I've gone because I thought it was the right thing to do, but never because I actually wanted to go for myself. It was just not for me. Maybe someday I'll find a church that more suits my needs. Or maybe I won't. Either way, I'm content with my decision for now to just take a much needed break from the whole 'church life' scene. It'll be a big change, not being the "good little mormon girl" anymore. But, I want to be happy. And that lifestyle wasn't making me happy.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Who are you?
You know...that's a very confusing question. If you had asked me that a few years ago, or even a few months ago, I would have readily had an answer for you. Now, I'm just not so sure about it.
I know who I want to be, I know what I want in life, and I know what's important to me. But, I really don't know if I know who I am.
I used to hear people talk about identity crises and think "How can you not know who you are...? You are you, for goodness sake - who else would know who you are?" But, now I know what they felt, and why they spoke of identity crises. Because the more I try to think about things and make them make sense to me, the harder it is and the more confusing I become.
Things that for years I've held important to me, and based myself around, I am realizing for one reason or another, may not be as important as I thought they were. Things that I've held pride in are all of a sudden not so substantial.
The worst part of it all, is I don't know where this is coming from, I don't know how to fix it, and I feel like there is no one to go to to talk about it. Mom wouldn't understand - she'd be disappointed in me that I am questioning things that should be obvious in my life. Things that were at one point very obvious to me. Things I thought would always be obvious. Marita, well...she means well, and I know she loves me, but I really don't think she really cares all that much. Any time I've gone to her about something that's bothering me, she shrugs off the conversation. I've got some others that I'd like to go to, but I am so afraid of rejection. Being rejected hurts so badly - and I've felt it too often.
I feel like I'm standing in a crowded room and screaming, but no one can hear me because they are all engrossed in their own conversations. And, I cannot blame them for having those conversations; they are important to them, and who am I to believe that what I have to say is any more important?
The truth is - I really don't know who truly cares about me. And how do you ask someone if they care about you? It's something that you've got to have faith in. Well...my faith is wavering in more than one area recently, it seems. I feel like I need some one to save me - to show me who I am. But that is ridiculous. It's something I need to find on my own. But that is so hard to do - I find someone who I think will care about me, cling to them, and change who I am based on what they make me think and feel. And it's not always romantically. I hang out with friends, and start realizing the things that make them happy and they have fun doing, I like too. Or is that really it? Is it me just screaming for someone to accept me so badly that I literally change myself to be more like them, so they will like me more? So they will accept me?
I know there are things that I've always liked and that are unique to me that people can't change. Some things I just love so much, I know they are too important for anyone to be able to sway how I feel about them. But other things - that I thought I held dear to me...I just don't anymore. I've become such a different person recently, I really can't say I know who I am inside.
The truth is - I think I really am a person who keeps changing. I don't think I've become who I'm supposed to be yet. And I don't know how to become that person. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know that absolutely no one can change me if I'm not willing to change. The things that I've changed have all made me happy, so it's not a problem that I've molded myself to fit each relationship in it's own way. So, I guess I'm not changing all that much after all. I'm just being introduced to new things, and I'm figuring out what I like, and what I don't.
So, then, what's with all the confusion? What's with all the loneliness?
I'm so afraid of being myself. I'm afraid to say what I want to say and I'm afraid to do what I want to do. It all comes back to rejection. Friends, family, and lovers have all rejected me. What's to stop the next person from doing the same?
I obviously don't know what the future holds. I have about a million daydreams a day of things that I want to happen, and I wish would happen. But that's all they are - dreams and wishes. I know there's a good chance none of them will come true. But, I still keep on dreaming and wishing them. Because there's a tiny chance that they will manifest themselves.
All I know is that I want to be loved, I want to fall in love, I want someone to fall in love with me, and I want a family. And right now, there's nothing in my life that I want more than that. Absolutely nothing. I know that it's waiting out there for me. I know that; I have no doubt in my mind I will find all that. It's just so damn hard to be patient.
I know who I want to be, I know what I want in life, and I know what's important to me. But, I really don't know if I know who I am.
I used to hear people talk about identity crises and think "How can you not know who you are...? You are you, for goodness sake - who else would know who you are?" But, now I know what they felt, and why they spoke of identity crises. Because the more I try to think about things and make them make sense to me, the harder it is and the more confusing I become.
Things that for years I've held important to me, and based myself around, I am realizing for one reason or another, may not be as important as I thought they were. Things that I've held pride in are all of a sudden not so substantial.
The worst part of it all, is I don't know where this is coming from, I don't know how to fix it, and I feel like there is no one to go to to talk about it. Mom wouldn't understand - she'd be disappointed in me that I am questioning things that should be obvious in my life. Things that were at one point very obvious to me. Things I thought would always be obvious. Marita, well...she means well, and I know she loves me, but I really don't think she really cares all that much. Any time I've gone to her about something that's bothering me, she shrugs off the conversation. I've got some others that I'd like to go to, but I am so afraid of rejection. Being rejected hurts so badly - and I've felt it too often.
I feel like I'm standing in a crowded room and screaming, but no one can hear me because they are all engrossed in their own conversations. And, I cannot blame them for having those conversations; they are important to them, and who am I to believe that what I have to say is any more important?
The truth is - I really don't know who truly cares about me. And how do you ask someone if they care about you? It's something that you've got to have faith in. Well...my faith is wavering in more than one area recently, it seems. I feel like I need some one to save me - to show me who I am. But that is ridiculous. It's something I need to find on my own. But that is so hard to do - I find someone who I think will care about me, cling to them, and change who I am based on what they make me think and feel. And it's not always romantically. I hang out with friends, and start realizing the things that make them happy and they have fun doing, I like too. Or is that really it? Is it me just screaming for someone to accept me so badly that I literally change myself to be more like them, so they will like me more? So they will accept me?
I know there are things that I've always liked and that are unique to me that people can't change. Some things I just love so much, I know they are too important for anyone to be able to sway how I feel about them. But other things - that I thought I held dear to me...I just don't anymore. I've become such a different person recently, I really can't say I know who I am inside.
The truth is - I think I really am a person who keeps changing. I don't think I've become who I'm supposed to be yet. And I don't know how to become that person. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know that absolutely no one can change me if I'm not willing to change. The things that I've changed have all made me happy, so it's not a problem that I've molded myself to fit each relationship in it's own way. So, I guess I'm not changing all that much after all. I'm just being introduced to new things, and I'm figuring out what I like, and what I don't.
So, then, what's with all the confusion? What's with all the loneliness?
I'm so afraid of being myself. I'm afraid to say what I want to say and I'm afraid to do what I want to do. It all comes back to rejection. Friends, family, and lovers have all rejected me. What's to stop the next person from doing the same?
I obviously don't know what the future holds. I have about a million daydreams a day of things that I want to happen, and I wish would happen. But that's all they are - dreams and wishes. I know there's a good chance none of them will come true. But, I still keep on dreaming and wishing them. Because there's a tiny chance that they will manifest themselves.
All I know is that I want to be loved, I want to fall in love, I want someone to fall in love with me, and I want a family. And right now, there's nothing in my life that I want more than that. Absolutely nothing. I know that it's waiting out there for me. I know that; I have no doubt in my mind I will find all that. It's just so damn hard to be patient.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Ya know what I hate?
Backstabbers. You know what I hate even more than backstabbers? People who backstab you and others, then bitch and complain about other people who backstab them and others. It's rediculous.
What ever happened to being nice to people that you come in contact with in your daily lives? What happened to being faithful to friends and the like? I can't stand people who run and tattle on others as if they are in kindergarten. Trying to get other people in trouble for shit that you know damn well that you've done before. Or if you haven't, try to take a moment to sit and think about how you'd feel if someone "told on you" for a similar incident. If it's serious, and needs to be addressed - then go right ahead...do your civil duty, tell whom needs to be told. But for stupid shit that really doesn't matter - why does all the gossip constantly have to be circulating?
Running the risk of sounding totally cliche, I'm going to ask: Why can't we just get along? Why can't we just treat each other literally the way that we want to be treated? Act just a little more like a family. We all are, after all. No matter if you believe we all came from monkeys, Adam and Eve, an alien planet, the dirt, or the dark confines of my closet, we all came from the same place. Why do we have to be so rude to each other all the time? I'm not saying we all have to sit around a campfire and sing Koombaya...but at least get along with each other.
I know I'm guilty of it too. I'm not a gossiper, but I can't say what I feel. After all, the people that I'm referring to will never read this. Will never know how I feel - never know that I am so bothered with thier constant bitching and complaining. I pretend to be thier friend, when as soon as I know they've left, I breathe a sigh of relief that I don't have to put up with the bullshit anymore or watch every move I make to assure I don't accidentally do something against the rules that might get me in trouble since I know they'll go and run, first chance they get, to tell everyone they know about what new thing someone else just did wrong.
It's a sad day when it seems I prefer my time at home alone when the number one thing I complain of in my life is being alone and not having friends to spend time with. A sad day indeed. It seems the more I look for someone loyal enough to be a friend, the more I find that they just don't seem to be out there. I've been so suprised recently of the people I thought I could trust - I really can't. I can literally count on one hand how many people I truly count as friends and can trust. How sad is that?
What ever happened to being nice to people that you come in contact with in your daily lives? What happened to being faithful to friends and the like? I can't stand people who run and tattle on others as if they are in kindergarten. Trying to get other people in trouble for shit that you know damn well that you've done before. Or if you haven't, try to take a moment to sit and think about how you'd feel if someone "told on you" for a similar incident. If it's serious, and needs to be addressed - then go right ahead...do your civil duty, tell whom needs to be told. But for stupid shit that really doesn't matter - why does all the gossip constantly have to be circulating?
Running the risk of sounding totally cliche, I'm going to ask: Why can't we just get along? Why can't we just treat each other literally the way that we want to be treated? Act just a little more like a family. We all are, after all. No matter if you believe we all came from monkeys, Adam and Eve, an alien planet, the dirt, or the dark confines of my closet, we all came from the same place. Why do we have to be so rude to each other all the time? I'm not saying we all have to sit around a campfire and sing Koombaya...but at least get along with each other.
I know I'm guilty of it too. I'm not a gossiper, but I can't say what I feel. After all, the people that I'm referring to will never read this. Will never know how I feel - never know that I am so bothered with thier constant bitching and complaining. I pretend to be thier friend, when as soon as I know they've left, I breathe a sigh of relief that I don't have to put up with the bullshit anymore or watch every move I make to assure I don't accidentally do something against the rules that might get me in trouble since I know they'll go and run, first chance they get, to tell everyone they know about what new thing someone else just did wrong.
It's a sad day when it seems I prefer my time at home alone when the number one thing I complain of in my life is being alone and not having friends to spend time with. A sad day indeed. It seems the more I look for someone loyal enough to be a friend, the more I find that they just don't seem to be out there. I've been so suprised recently of the people I thought I could trust - I really can't. I can literally count on one hand how many people I truly count as friends and can trust. How sad is that?
Monday, January 14, 2008
Some excellent movies this week...
I have finally, after literally years, talked my mom into watching Pitch Black and Interview with a Vampire with me. Both of them are among my all-time favorites, and she liked both of them, I am happy to say. I needed some cheering up and what better way to do that than watching some excellent movies?
This evening, I was flipping channels here at work and found Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets; it's on now in the background. I haven't seen any of the older HP movies in some time, so it's a shock to see all the characters so young. I've been meaning to restart the books again, and I'll have to remember to pick up Sorceror's Stone and do so one of these days. I cannot wait for the Half Blood Prince's movie to come out. Definitely looking forward to that; I hope it is as good as the Order's movie was. I was impressed with how well OotP was done.
My sister never got a chance to see any of the Bourne movies, so we saw Borne Identity earlier this week, and will be watching Borne Supremacy soon. I enjoy that group of movies a lot - very good, in my opinion. I think they are well done. I still haven't gotten a chance to see the newest one, but we'll get to that one soon enough.
Other than movies, not much of anything has been going on this week. Nothing new; nothing exciting. I am feeling better now, though - back to my old self.
I do need to get back into walking. I neglected that a bit this past week. I have been so excited about me losing this weight, but I know that I need to keep up with what I've been doing, or it will all come right back on. I have been doing good with the portion sizes and watching my soda, which is super hard since I love my soda so much. But I've been craving Green Tea and Orange Juice a lot recently, so I've been drinking that. Milk, too. For some reason I've been drinking a lot of milk.
I'm going to be looking into taking a class or two at CSN this next semester, and I've signed up for an institute class already. The institute class starts Thursday the 22nd, so I'm looking forward to that. Hopefully it'll be a way to meet some new people. I'm also going to be trying to find a veteranary office to volunteer there. I think that would be a good way to spend some of my time. One, I'd not be as bored all the time, and two, I'd be doing something that I really would like to do. It'll give me a way to spend my time constructively. I spend too much of my time just sitting around wishing I was out doing something and I really need to get up off my ass and actually do something about it.
My birthday is 10 days away. Very excited about that. The last few birthdays I've had have been mediocre at best, so I'm hoping this one makes up for it a bit. I am going to try and have a semi party at a bowling alley on the Saturday after my birthday. I am hoping a few certain people will show up, but I know not to get my hopes up in case they don't show, because I don't want to be dissapointed. I know, if nothing else, Marita and mom will be there. Jes should be there, too - hopefully it turns out well overall.
Work has been stressing me out a lot, but I've learned the hard way that I can't put my thoughts into words when it comes to work. Way too many curious eyes out there. I'll also be sure to only blog here from now on rather than on MySpace.
Nothing much else to comment on. I'll update again when there's something to update. Fare thee well, my little blog.
This evening, I was flipping channels here at work and found Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets; it's on now in the background. I haven't seen any of the older HP movies in some time, so it's a shock to see all the characters so young. I've been meaning to restart the books again, and I'll have to remember to pick up Sorceror's Stone and do so one of these days. I cannot wait for the Half Blood Prince's movie to come out. Definitely looking forward to that; I hope it is as good as the Order's movie was. I was impressed with how well OotP was done.
My sister never got a chance to see any of the Bourne movies, so we saw Borne Identity earlier this week, and will be watching Borne Supremacy soon. I enjoy that group of movies a lot - very good, in my opinion. I think they are well done. I still haven't gotten a chance to see the newest one, but we'll get to that one soon enough.
Other than movies, not much of anything has been going on this week. Nothing new; nothing exciting. I am feeling better now, though - back to my old self.
I do need to get back into walking. I neglected that a bit this past week. I have been so excited about me losing this weight, but I know that I need to keep up with what I've been doing, or it will all come right back on. I have been doing good with the portion sizes and watching my soda, which is super hard since I love my soda so much. But I've been craving Green Tea and Orange Juice a lot recently, so I've been drinking that. Milk, too. For some reason I've been drinking a lot of milk.
I'm going to be looking into taking a class or two at CSN this next semester, and I've signed up for an institute class already. The institute class starts Thursday the 22nd, so I'm looking forward to that. Hopefully it'll be a way to meet some new people. I'm also going to be trying to find a veteranary office to volunteer there. I think that would be a good way to spend some of my time. One, I'd not be as bored all the time, and two, I'd be doing something that I really would like to do. It'll give me a way to spend my time constructively. I spend too much of my time just sitting around wishing I was out doing something and I really need to get up off my ass and actually do something about it.
My birthday is 10 days away. Very excited about that. The last few birthdays I've had have been mediocre at best, so I'm hoping this one makes up for it a bit. I am going to try and have a semi party at a bowling alley on the Saturday after my birthday. I am hoping a few certain people will show up, but I know not to get my hopes up in case they don't show, because I don't want to be dissapointed. I know, if nothing else, Marita and mom will be there. Jes should be there, too - hopefully it turns out well overall.
Work has been stressing me out a lot, but I've learned the hard way that I can't put my thoughts into words when it comes to work. Way too many curious eyes out there. I'll also be sure to only blog here from now on rather than on MySpace.
Nothing much else to comment on. I'll update again when there's something to update. Fare thee well, my little blog.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
So...I'm no longer a virgin...
In Guitar Hero.
Ha...what were you thinking? >;D
I played GH2 last night for the first time ever, and my sister says I did pretty well. Of course, with the day that I had yesterday, she probably wouldn't have been too honest if I sucked totally. But, if I do say so myself, I rocked it. Got above 95% in three different songs. 2 of which I hadn't ever heard before, so the beat n everything was brand new to me.
I also played the Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles for Wii, and I can tell that I'm going to be addicted to that one, too. I'm going to miss the usual puzzels, etc. that you'd have in the regular Resident Evil games, but still, pretty fun. I have to get used to controlling the camera, but all in all, it's a pretty good game, I think.
There's so many good movies out and coming out that I want to see. And so little money to do it with. Also, no one to go with, and I hate going to the movies alone - very depressive. I've already hearda few rts about Sweeney Todd, and One Missed call looks pretty good, too. Horror movie fan that I am, though - I'd probably see it if it didn't look good, anyways. In addition, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Water Horse, AVP: Requim, In the Name of the King, The Eye, and Cloverfield are all movies that I'd really like to catch. If anyone wants to go and see any of those with me, let me know. I would muchly appreciate the company.
Also a few good games that I want to get. Not sure if Nights has come out yet, but I want it. Super Mario Galaxy, also definitely on my list. And I've got to get my hands on a copy of Wii Sports, too.
Wish there was more overtime available at work - I would sign up in a second. I'm really short on cash right now, and all these games and movies add up fast. I also need something to occupy my mind...sitting at home missing Ross is not what I want to be doing at all, let alone on a daily basis.
On that note...I am still feeling very down about the whole situation, but at the same time, starting to accept it. At first, it was such a complete shock to me, I almost thought it wasn't real. I see now that it is - very much so. It sucks...really, really sucks. I think I was starting to fall for him, and hearing from him that he was not heading down the same path at all burned pretty badly. I don't really think there was anything wrong with me, per se, but the fact that the person that I am wasn't good enough for him is a bit painful. But, I'll get over it. After all, we only dated a month. I've been in much, much longer relationships and came out of them just fine. Though, I did have somewhat more of a hint with them that things would be ending than the abrupt end this one came to.
So...thus far, today is a much better day. That's probably because I slept from 8:00pm last night until about an hour and a half ago, and it's now 2:15 in the afternoon. I know my body needed rest. I feel a bit revived. My ankle is still very sore, but I've got it wrapped. Hopefully it'll be good as new in a few days.
Ha...what were you thinking? >;D
I played GH2 last night for the first time ever, and my sister says I did pretty well. Of course, with the day that I had yesterday, she probably wouldn't have been too honest if I sucked totally. But, if I do say so myself, I rocked it. Got above 95% in three different songs. 2 of which I hadn't ever heard before, so the beat n everything was brand new to me.
I also played the Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles for Wii, and I can tell that I'm going to be addicted to that one, too. I'm going to miss the usual puzzels, etc. that you'd have in the regular Resident Evil games, but still, pretty fun. I have to get used to controlling the camera, but all in all, it's a pretty good game, I think.
There's so many good movies out and coming out that I want to see. And so little money to do it with. Also, no one to go with, and I hate going to the movies alone - very depressive. I've already hearda few rts about Sweeney Todd, and One Missed call looks pretty good, too. Horror movie fan that I am, though - I'd probably see it if it didn't look good, anyways. In addition, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Water Horse, AVP: Requim, In the Name of the King, The Eye, and Cloverfield are all movies that I'd really like to catch. If anyone wants to go and see any of those with me, let me know. I would muchly appreciate the company.
Also a few good games that I want to get. Not sure if Nights has come out yet, but I want it. Super Mario Galaxy, also definitely on my list. And I've got to get my hands on a copy of Wii Sports, too.
Wish there was more overtime available at work - I would sign up in a second. I'm really short on cash right now, and all these games and movies add up fast. I also need something to occupy my mind...sitting at home missing Ross is not what I want to be doing at all, let alone on a daily basis.
On that note...I am still feeling very down about the whole situation, but at the same time, starting to accept it. At first, it was such a complete shock to me, I almost thought it wasn't real. I see now that it is - very much so. It sucks...really, really sucks. I think I was starting to fall for him, and hearing from him that he was not heading down the same path at all burned pretty badly. I don't really think there was anything wrong with me, per se, but the fact that the person that I am wasn't good enough for him is a bit painful. But, I'll get over it. After all, we only dated a month. I've been in much, much longer relationships and came out of them just fine. Though, I did have somewhat more of a hint with them that things would be ending than the abrupt end this one came to.
So...thus far, today is a much better day. That's probably because I slept from 8:00pm last night until about an hour and a half ago, and it's now 2:15 in the afternoon. I know my body needed rest. I feel a bit revived. My ankle is still very sore, but I've got it wrapped. Hopefully it'll be good as new in a few days.
My birthday is in less than three weeks. My mom hinted to me that she's taking me to some show, which I'm really excited about. There's a lot of shows I'd like to see. I hope it's either the Excaliber's dinner show, Penn & Teller, or Blue Man Group. I've always wanted to see all three of those, and never gotten a chance. Other than the show, looks like my birthday weekend will be relatively uneventful. I took Thursday and Friday off, so I'll have a 4-day weekend, so I'm looking forward to that. I really wanted to go bowling, or to the petting zoo, though. Maybe I'll still do that. I hate to invite people and have them not show up, though - that's such a bummer. Hmm...maybe I'll have a little bowling party Saturday night. Don't have many friends, but I'll invite everyone, just incase they want to come and wish me a happy day. ^_^
Well, I'm off to jump in the shower, then off to the grocery store I go.
You would think that my week was bad enough...
You know, what with the New Year's Eve plans falling through, and that night totally sucking. Then being sick, losing my voice, and having a 102 temperature for three and a half days. Friday I spend a good portion of my day in DMV lines and forget to bring a book or magazine or anything to read at all, so I was bored out of my mind. Then on Saturday, not only watching my beloved Steelers lose the game, but also recieve a call from Ross, while watching my team lose, telling me that I no longer had a boyfriend.
...You would think that the week was already bad enough. You would be horribly wrong.
Allow me to take you through my hell filled day.
Work was horrible. Long, depressing, and boring. All night I kept being reminded of Ross. I leave work about 15-20 minutes late, because I was finishing up an email that I probably shouldn't even have written in the first place. I get in the car. For some reason, when I was on the way to work the night before, I did not notice the fact that I was almost completely out of gas. I say a quick prayer that my car will make it to the little gas station at Russel and Eastern. Just barely. It's doing the chugging sound thing when I pull in.
My card doesn't work in the stupid machine. I walk into the store to pay, and remember as I'm there that I need to go back to the DMV again today. Why would I need to do that? Oh, maybe because I'm a fucking idiot and even though they told me when I picked up my new car that the sales tax had been paid, I forgot the stupid piece of paper proving that I had paid the sales tax on the floor of the backseat of my car the first time I was there. I honestly thought I had lost the paper, but found it last night on the floor when I was getting out the the car and walking into work. So, I have to go back now and get my refund of sales tax. I think to myself that since I'm already quite tired, bit of a headache starting from the crappy night I had, I should grab a soda to wake me up a bit. I'm thirsty anyways. I get up there, and they are out of Dr. Pepper. Okay - no biggie. I'll get Diet Coke. Out of that, too. Sun of a bitch! Okay...I'll get a Sobe Green Tea. They went up in price about 60 cents since the last time I bought them, but what the hell? It's been a few months, and I love them. I'll treat myself. Well...the only thing they have is diet Sobe Green Tea. I found out today that it tastes nothing like the original.
So...now I'm on my way to the DMV. (Of course I forget this at first, and start heading towards home, then have to turn onto Sunset.) I get there, it's now about 7:35 am or so. They don't open until 8. The line is already about 30 people long, so I get out of my warm car and into the line where I listen to a couple behind me bitch at each other for about 20 minutes about who's fault it was that the insurance lapsed. 8:00 rolls around, I get inside. Wait about 5 or so minutes for them to call my number, and walk up to the window. The lady is nice, but explains that the paper I have does in fact NOT prove that I paid sales tax on the vehicle. I will have to go to the County Assesor's office for them to verify that the company that my credit union used to take the sales tax out of my loan is a credible company, and that the refund will come from that office, anyways - DMV's do not issue refunds.
They give me the wrong address - about 2 blocks off. I pull into a Quickie Mart or some shit like that, and ask if they know where the office is. Yep - I passed it. Get back in my car and finally get there. Guess what? I don't need to go to the County Assesor's office. No - I need to go to the State Tax office. In mutherfuckin down town. I sigh, thank the lady for her time, and get back in the car. I wait at the State office for, oh...an hour or so. He is able to help me, but only a little. I need to go to my Credit Union to get a copy of the agreement that shows I paid for the car and sales tax in the same loan. My credit union is at Cheyenne and Teneya. Then, he tells me that after I get a copy of that, I take this pretty yellow piece of paper that says, basically "She paid the tax on the fucking car!" back to...you guessed it - the DMV. On the way to the Credit Union, I almost get hit. But, then I get to the place and get the copy of the papers with no problem. (Amazingly..)
Now, heading back to the DMV which is at Stephanie and American Pacific. I drive around for a parking space for about 11 minutes, and as I am walking into the DMV, I trip on the step on the way up and twist my ankle. When I get in, they inform me that since they didn't think I was coming back, and since I don't have a get out of jail free card to go to the front of the line, I get to wait in the line for a number for about 15 minutes, then get to wait for them to call my number for another 45 minutes / hour. The lady I get is new - she doesn't know what the fuck she is doing. She calls over a manager. She has to verify all the paperwork and call the office that I just left from 2 hours earlir to make sure the pretty yellow paper is in fact from the State Office. They are busy, so it takes her a good 10 minutes to do that.
Finally...everything seems to have worked out. Except, of course, that my check won't come to me for 6-8 weeks. As I get up to leave the DMV, who do I almost literally walk into? My ex. Yay for me! This is just great. He looks great; his girlfriend on his arm looks great. He asks how I've been. "This week has been pretty rough, actually". He nods in agreement. Then asks the worst question he could possibly have come up with in his life: "So...you seeing anyone?". I literally burst into tears in front of everyone right there; in the middle of the DMV. Now, I know I can be an emotional person - but I don't cry in public...at home, alone...sure. But not in front of people. Especially not in front of an ex who I care nthing about, who hurt me when we were together, and I could have gone on happily in my life with never seeing again ever. I was so embarrassed. I explained myself as littel as possible to him as I pushed the tears off my cheeks, and said I had to go. I get outside, and I am so freaking flustered I literally forget where I parked my car. So I walk around the parking lot for a good 6-7 minutes before I finally remember and start walking that way. 7 minutes may not seem like a long time to you - but try doing it with a twisted ankle and trying your best to hold back tears because you are still out in the daylight where people can see them.
I reach my car...and there is a beautiful blue scratch on it where some asshole hit the side of my car with his or her door while I was in there. No dent, but the paint is scratched into mine, and it wouldn't come off. You'd think it would be smooth sailing, since my day is now done...but on the way home, I get stuck behind a train. Now that I'm home, and haven't eaten all day, I figured to eat a bowl of cereal and put something in my belly because I haven't eaten since about 2am last night. Out of fuckin milk. I change into night clothes, and since my ankle is weak, I fall as I'm changing my panties and rip them. One of my favorite pairs. That headache I mentioned I was starting to get at the gas place? Now a full-blown migraine with the throbbing and everything.
I'm now once again lonely, I'm depressed, I need a hug, and I still feel like I need to cry. What I really need is to cry while someone is hugging me. That will probably help get some good stress out. But, I can't really come up with someone off the top of my head that I could even do that with. Which, in turn, makes me feel even more pathetic. Well, I know what I really need, but that is unavailable to me now. So, I'll live with laying down and trying my hardest to get to sleep. I really, really hope that my insomnia does not kick in today.
I dare you to come up with a worse day. I fuckin dare you.
...You would think that the week was already bad enough. You would be horribly wrong.
Allow me to take you through my hell filled day.
Work was horrible. Long, depressing, and boring. All night I kept being reminded of Ross. I leave work about 15-20 minutes late, because I was finishing up an email that I probably shouldn't even have written in the first place. I get in the car. For some reason, when I was on the way to work the night before, I did not notice the fact that I was almost completely out of gas. I say a quick prayer that my car will make it to the little gas station at Russel and Eastern. Just barely. It's doing the chugging sound thing when I pull in.
My card doesn't work in the stupid machine. I walk into the store to pay, and remember as I'm there that I need to go back to the DMV again today. Why would I need to do that? Oh, maybe because I'm a fucking idiot and even though they told me when I picked up my new car that the sales tax had been paid, I forgot the stupid piece of paper proving that I had paid the sales tax on the floor of the backseat of my car the first time I was there. I honestly thought I had lost the paper, but found it last night on the floor when I was getting out the the car and walking into work. So, I have to go back now and get my refund of sales tax. I think to myself that since I'm already quite tired, bit of a headache starting from the crappy night I had, I should grab a soda to wake me up a bit. I'm thirsty anyways. I get up there, and they are out of Dr. Pepper. Okay - no biggie. I'll get Diet Coke. Out of that, too. Sun of a bitch! Okay...I'll get a Sobe Green Tea. They went up in price about 60 cents since the last time I bought them, but what the hell? It's been a few months, and I love them. I'll treat myself. Well...the only thing they have is diet Sobe Green Tea. I found out today that it tastes nothing like the original.
So...now I'm on my way to the DMV. (Of course I forget this at first, and start heading towards home, then have to turn onto Sunset.) I get there, it's now about 7:35 am or so. They don't open until 8. The line is already about 30 people long, so I get out of my warm car and into the line where I listen to a couple behind me bitch at each other for about 20 minutes about who's fault it was that the insurance lapsed. 8:00 rolls around, I get inside. Wait about 5 or so minutes for them to call my number, and walk up to the window. The lady is nice, but explains that the paper I have does in fact NOT prove that I paid sales tax on the vehicle. I will have to go to the County Assesor's office for them to verify that the company that my credit union used to take the sales tax out of my loan is a credible company, and that the refund will come from that office, anyways - DMV's do not issue refunds.
They give me the wrong address - about 2 blocks off. I pull into a Quickie Mart or some shit like that, and ask if they know where the office is. Yep - I passed it. Get back in my car and finally get there. Guess what? I don't need to go to the County Assesor's office. No - I need to go to the State Tax office. In mutherfuckin down town. I sigh, thank the lady for her time, and get back in the car. I wait at the State office for, oh...an hour or so. He is able to help me, but only a little. I need to go to my Credit Union to get a copy of the agreement that shows I paid for the car and sales tax in the same loan. My credit union is at Cheyenne and Teneya. Then, he tells me that after I get a copy of that, I take this pretty yellow piece of paper that says, basically "She paid the tax on the fucking car!" back to...you guessed it - the DMV. On the way to the Credit Union, I almost get hit. But, then I get to the place and get the copy of the papers with no problem. (Amazingly..)
Now, heading back to the DMV which is at Stephanie and American Pacific. I drive around for a parking space for about 11 minutes, and as I am walking into the DMV, I trip on the step on the way up and twist my ankle. When I get in, they inform me that since they didn't think I was coming back, and since I don't have a get out of jail free card to go to the front of the line, I get to wait in the line for a number for about 15 minutes, then get to wait for them to call my number for another 45 minutes / hour. The lady I get is new - she doesn't know what the fuck she is doing. She calls over a manager. She has to verify all the paperwork and call the office that I just left from 2 hours earlir to make sure the pretty yellow paper is in fact from the State Office. They are busy, so it takes her a good 10 minutes to do that.
Finally...everything seems to have worked out. Except, of course, that my check won't come to me for 6-8 weeks. As I get up to leave the DMV, who do I almost literally walk into? My ex. Yay for me! This is just great. He looks great; his girlfriend on his arm looks great. He asks how I've been. "This week has been pretty rough, actually". He nods in agreement. Then asks the worst question he could possibly have come up with in his life: "So...you seeing anyone?". I literally burst into tears in front of everyone right there; in the middle of the DMV. Now, I know I can be an emotional person - but I don't cry in public...at home, alone...sure. But not in front of people. Especially not in front of an ex who I care nthing about, who hurt me when we were together, and I could have gone on happily in my life with never seeing again ever. I was so embarrassed. I explained myself as littel as possible to him as I pushed the tears off my cheeks, and said I had to go. I get outside, and I am so freaking flustered I literally forget where I parked my car. So I walk around the parking lot for a good 6-7 minutes before I finally remember and start walking that way. 7 minutes may not seem like a long time to you - but try doing it with a twisted ankle and trying your best to hold back tears because you are still out in the daylight where people can see them.
I reach my car...and there is a beautiful blue scratch on it where some asshole hit the side of my car with his or her door while I was in there. No dent, but the paint is scratched into mine, and it wouldn't come off. You'd think it would be smooth sailing, since my day is now done...but on the way home, I get stuck behind a train. Now that I'm home, and haven't eaten all day, I figured to eat a bowl of cereal and put something in my belly because I haven't eaten since about 2am last night. Out of fuckin milk. I change into night clothes, and since my ankle is weak, I fall as I'm changing my panties and rip them. One of my favorite pairs. That headache I mentioned I was starting to get at the gas place? Now a full-blown migraine with the throbbing and everything.
I'm now once again lonely, I'm depressed, I need a hug, and I still feel like I need to cry. What I really need is to cry while someone is hugging me. That will probably help get some good stress out. But, I can't really come up with someone off the top of my head that I could even do that with. Which, in turn, makes me feel even more pathetic. Well, I know what I really need, but that is unavailable to me now. So, I'll live with laying down and trying my hardest to get to sleep. I really, really hope that my insomnia does not kick in today.
I dare you to come up with a worse day. I fuckin dare you.
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