Okay, so - maybe not everything. I can almost guarantee there won't be a first time for me to ride an elephant while I'm wearing a bikini through a fire while singing the Star Spangled Banner. But, apparently, there is a first time for me to get a blog. See? Cool, huh?
I'm not sure what this will be, but I'll figure it out at some point. For now, I'll make a quick recap of life in general. More for me, than anyone else, since I doubt anyone will be reading this.
Right now, I'm going through a pretty lonely time in my life. I've been looking for people to spend my time with, and they are extremely hard to come by recently. Well...they always have been hard to come by for me, but more so recently than usual. I'm not exclusively looking for someone to spend my time with romantically, but if I happen to find that along the current journey in life that I'm on right now, you won't hear me complaining.
I've been interested in a few people recently, recently being within the past 3-4 months, but for one reason or another, they are not available to me. So is life. I know that I will find someone for me someday. I have faith that I will. The hard part is being patient until I do find him. Mr. Wonderful - be patient with me. I know you're our there, and I'll find you as soon as I can.
I've been watching the reruns of CSI: Las Vegas, started back at the pilot and I'm working my way through the 1st season now. The 7th season is out on DVD Tuesday, if I'm not mistaken, and I'll be picking that up. Mom wanted me to get it for her for Christmas, but I'll have to find something else to get her, because I don't think I want to wait that long to see this new season.
I'm also going to be starting up the HP books again. I have to find my sister's copy of Sorcerer's Stone, though - not sure where she has it. I still haven't re-bought myself the books since I lost them all when I left Erik, but I'd like to get the complete collector's set anyways, so I'll wait until that comes out. Unless, of course, it is already out and I don't know about it. Which has been known to happen - me not knowing about things when they come out and whatnot.
Work is going pretty good, other than the fact that they just put a filter on the internet 2 days ago, so now I can't check email, myspace, or gaia at work anymore. I'm still working Monday through Friday grave shift, and hopefully soon I'll have Lynn back on my shift with me. I really miss her - she made it fun. I don't have anything against X-Man, but he is just...too old for the job. He needs to retire, but I think he's still pretty far from that. Poor guy. I really do feel bad for him. He just can't perform the job. When I work with him, it's basically like it's just me on the shift. I'm still training, and will be for another week. All 3 trainees got through. Not sure which of them will get what shift, but I know they'll all do pretty well.
Somehow, I've lost weight recently. No clue how. I've been eating crap, and not exercising. I don't think I spelled that right. Nope, I hadn't. Thank you, spell check. Anyways - I'm still much bigger than I want to be, but I guess a pound lost here or there isn't anything to turn my nose up at. I'm bigger now than I ever have been in life. At least I don't look my weight, though. No one would ever I guess that I weigh what I do. No excuse, though. I don't want to weight what I do, no matter if I look it or not. I'm still thinking seriously about the breast reduction surgery, but before I do that, I'll have to lose at least 50 pounds. It shouldn't be that hard to do if I really put my mind to it. I'll do my best to take that seriously. What I need, is someone to know about it - someone to 'check in with' so to speak. When I just do it on my own, then I cheat, and think 'who the hell cares?'. If I have someone to report to, then I'll know that they care. Or, at least, that they are pretending to care.
...I think I'll go and play DDR a bit after I finish writing this. No reason to complain about my weight and then not do anything about it, especially when the means the fix the problem are right there in front of me.
This weekend Marita and mom are down in Utah, checking out the campus Marita will be going to for college when she graduates HS this year. She won a full scholarship - I am so happy for her. This is definitely a blessing...especially since this year she's let her grades drop a bit.
As far as college goes for me, I'm hoping to start classes here maybe in the next few semesters. I know I've been saying that for a few years now, but it will give me something to do with my spare time, and maybe I can meet some people. I'm going to be signing up for an institution class, too - so we'll see how that goes.
Been more depressed than usual, I know that's because I'm feeling more lonely than usual. It really does confuse me - I was always alone when I was married. Now, I live with mom and Marita, though I feel more down about my situation. I didn't have friends to hang out with then, either - but I never felt quite this alone.
I think that maybe it's because I was making the mental choice to try and make it work with Erik, knowing that doing so meant I would be home alone all the time. Right now, however, it is not my choice to be alone in the least. I love being able to spend my time with my family - I missed it a lot when I was unable to see them while I was married. But, now I feel...'Am I really that pathetic that the only people I can get to spend time with me are my mom and sister?'. That's how I feel at times.
Sure, I make plans to hang with people, but they always fall through. Story of my life. And then, it seems the plans are never rain-checked. Everyone has someone else to hang with. Which is, of course, completely understandable. I can't blame them for having lives. ...I honestly wouldn't want to hang out with me. I know I can pull people down, with my constant depression. But, when I am out with people, I don't show my depression for the most part. Well - when I'm out with people, I don't feel as down...that's the thing. I feel wanted, like someone actually wants to be my friend, or cares, or likes spending time with me. It happens so infrequently, though, the small fixes don't help me feel 'up' for very long.
See, look. I'm doing it again. I'm pulling the potential reader of this blog down. I don't mean to do that. Sorry, whomever you might be. I just really need a shoulder. But, at the same time - I'm afraid to find someone who's willing to lend a shoulder, because I'm afraid to overuse it.
I don't really know what's wrong with me. I like making friends. And I know that I'm a good person. I'm funny, I can be cute, and I know that I care about just about everyone that I come into contact with. So why don't people care about me?
...I'm afraid that's a question I'll never find the answer to.
